In anticipation of everything other than essays:

Still procrastinating--this time in the cafe. Think I'll try to make up for my utter lack of October posts, maybe?

Current verdict (so hardly final): still sick of German nationalism, but I'm beginning to feel like I rather understanding, so it's boring in a different way, now. More of an "old hat," sort of "this-is-the-same-thing-I-wrote-last-week" thing. So I'm going to assume that's a step in the right direction (because I'm currently in a good mood and would rather not ruin it). Minus library (so far--but I really should go before SkolVo), I'm right on schedule for my Wednesday in town...but I'm thinking I'll just try to find another book (maybe two) at the library, hit the lecture, and call it a day (town-wise). I just really hate being in town allll day and having to bike back in what feels like the dead of night (even if it's barely 7). That being said then, I had my last secondary tutorial this morning, and it feels really good to be done (not because I despised it, but just because it's now one less thing to worry about!). I had a sandwich with my mocha here at Caffe Nero, but I'm hungry again already (after less than an hour), and so I may grab a snack before I run to the library and then lecture.

I find myself looking desperately forward to little things: especially Friday, now. Christmas shopping in Oxford sounds absolutely divine after the weeks I've had, and anticipating the next week of frantic essay-ing. (Not essay-writing, which I know you're thinking, but rather the entire process--mental and tangible--of putting together a 4,000+ word essay, and its ensuing insanity.)

On a more amusing note, I'm sitting in the cozy alcove bit of the cafe, and since I've been here since noon, and it's in a centrally-located bookshop, and it serves legitimate food in addition to tasty steaming beverages, it's been quite the busy place. Here's the funny: people keep coming in and awkwardly looking around for somewhere to sit. It's definitely a more traditional cozy-coffee alcove--clusters of leather chairs around tiny round tables, and one couch surrounded by the same. When I walked in, I'm afraid I did that same awkward bit, except I made it rather less awkward by just walking over to an apparently empty chair and asking the fellow sitting across if it was taken. He said no, so I took a seat and awkwardly balanced my coffee in my lap, shrugged off my coat, and got reading. I might have been slightly less uncomfortable if I'd chosen the seating cluster opposite this particular guy, except for the incredibly awkward hand-holding not coffee-drinking couple cuddling on the couch. There was a table and two empty chairs across from them...but be honest, who the heck would want to sit there?? I'd rather stand. I understand the awkward couple dynamic, I really do. But at the busiest time of day in a cafe when you haven't even got drinks? Taking up not only a couch and table, but an entire seating area because everyone else in the entire world is uncomfortably and immensely put off by your unbelievable  aura of awkwardness? I eventually managed to claim my own chair in the corner next to a table when the couple that had been there for the last 10 minutes vacated, and a few people have come and gone. The vibe is currently much less awkward (except people still peer in periodically): there's two guys on a couch (okay, could be awkward for them?), two girls sitting catty-corned to a table in one corner, an older gentleman reading the newspaper opposite the table from me, but not awkwardly at all, since I'm no longer using the table and my headphones are in (amazing the problems that solves!), and one other fellow across the room, all alone in a cluster of three chairs, also reading the paper. I've really become a much more avid people-watcher since being in Oxford, and I'm afraid it may have wreaked havoc on my productivity (which used to be top-notch and unfazeable, of course).

Next up: my desire to have the ability to channel my spotty written humour into Cracked-style articles, or even blog posts. I have good moments, certainly, and a casual style that lends itself to humourous writing, but so far I've been rather unable to come up with anything that is on par with what I wish it was. The closest I think I've come recently was my facetious note-taking in our lecture a week or two ago, in which I paid as little attention as possible, but still typed notes just in case someone noticed I was just scrolling through the Cracked archive instead of typing notes on my laptop like I should've been. This resulted in random sentences that basically consisted of what I thought I'd heard the lecturer say. I hadn't intended to write anything of value, but it ended up being rather amusing, so I sent it to Ginger and she insisted that I share it on facebook. It wasn't just the biggest hit ever, but considering I wasn't really trying for humour of wide appeal, I'm rather proud of it.
Snippets:
fake notes are pointless but they're a fair sight more interesting than, um, preserving grass in English towns? or cows or whatever.


something about white men with beards and "effing" forest (???)


land is being stolen by........probably not Robin Hood. or Christian communists, although the latter is certainly possible.


there was a crisis, but we're not sure why a park in the middle of an English town is quite so crisis-inducing. you can still call it Effing Forest, people!


nature may have won in court on a technicality, or just taken over the towns. it's unclear.


The Beatles are definitely here. Or playing through my computer. Also unclear and rather unlikely.


[In question time, I learn that poor people are involved.]

Okay, so that was that. Ginger found it hilarious (or so she said), and I'm honestly not sure if it's funnier if you were at the lecture or if you're just reading what I got out of the lecture. My mother should know that the lecture was not relevant to anything ever, except possibly research methods for writing on English societies like 100 years ago without the use of secondary sources if you're forming a thesis or something, and geography. (If that sentence made no sense, you get where I'm going with this.) I think I'll make more of an effort in the future...the idea of writing funny things kind of appeals to me. Topic suggestions welcome, I suppose, since that's usually my toughest time. :)

Much love to all, and I'm not the least bit offended if you didn't actually read all the way through this one. ~Hayley

I'd rather be reading Cracked.

It took me a long time to find the "create new post" button. How long have I been using this site? (Long enough that I must be drunk or sleep-deprived, I can tell you that much.*) My last update was hardly an update at all, but it did coincide nicely with Thanksgiving (which made me miss my family, but was a blast here in Oxford, as well--I made a pumpkin pie with Hannah!) and so I'm counting it. It's Tuesday night now (technically Wednesday morning, although barely), and I'm hanging out with Ginger, Sarah, and a sleeping Victoria in their room, hard at, ahem, work. I've decided I can give myself a *tiny* little break, since I wore myself out today sleeping until 2, writing an entire essay, and skyping Karson. ;) But seriously, I just felt the need to write something I might ever actually like to share with another person, or possibly even go back and reread myself somewhere down the road. That's not to say this is any kind of work of genius, because it's clearly not, but at least it doesn't feel like a chore. :)

That said, I have my last secondary tutorial in the morning (the real morning), for which I submitted my last essay a few hours ago (hopefully before my tutor went to bed...). I have my second-to-last primary essay/tutorial at the end of this week, my very last primary essay and tutorial Monday of next week (thank goodness; it was going to also be this week!), and then only the dreaded "long essay" before I can officially turn up my nose at school work until January! (The "long essay" is really just the length of two regular essays, and maybe not so bad as all that since I got to choose the topic and I've been "working" on it all term.)

On my plate for this week (I'll pretend like it's Sunday night and give the whole week's activities, because it's rather more exciting that way):
Monday: get to the Taylorian (library) at 9am with Tara, Ashley, and Jonathan and claim the best study desks. Meet Ginger for lunch at The Eagle and Child (pub) down the street at 2pm. Go back to the library with Tara and Ashley to work until 6pm (and actually accomplish rather a lot!). Meet Ginger and Sarah M at Pret (cafe) for a quick snack and hot chocolate before heading to the Sheldonian (theatre) for a Christmas carol service at 7pm. Bike home in the light rain at 8pm. Procrastinate/work until 2am.
Tuesday: sleep until 2, write secondary essay, order kebabs with Ginger and Jonathan, eat said kebabs while watching Community, finish essay at barely 10, skype Karson until a little after midnight, meet up with Ginger and Sarah to work in their room until ???
Wednesday: 10:30 tutorial, followed immediately by coffee. Followed less immediately by a trip to the library to get books/do work until "SkolVo" (mandatory SCIO lecture) at 2:30, which is followed by a full British afternoon tea. Probably go back to the library, or possibly home, depending on the weather.
Thursday: I dunno. Possibly a tutorial. Possibly a visit to Richard Dawkins's house. (No, I'm not joking.)
Friday: Maybe a tutorial. But definitely Christmas shopping (slash souvenir shopping, since they're mostly the same thing this year :P). Followed by the Oxford Christmas Light Night (light turning-on and parade and what not) from 5 to 10! There will be NO schoolwork! :)
I need to stop, I'm gonna go crazy just thinking about everything that needs to happen/get done in the next less-than-two weeks!!

On that note, I'll include a brief bit on how weird it is that I only have 12 days left in Oxford. (Spoiler alert: it's very weird.) I'm obviously very sad to be leaving this wonderful place and these lovely people (I almost typed "living" instead of "leaving", if that tells you anything), but at the same time I'm almost inordinately excited to be getting home and seeing my family and friends and, of course, boyfriend. :) The semester's gone by pretty fast, but it is definitely feeling long as we near the end, although simultaneously I haven't nearly enough time to do everything I want to in Oxford before my short time here is up!


That said, I just looked up Chicago weather on weather.com, and they still don't have anything even remotely definitive for after Dec 8, but I'll be checking back in a few days to make sure there's no chance of our flights getting delayed, because I would be immensely unhappy (this is me being a realist, not a pessimist. Really). But anyway, I'll miss Oxford more than I can even say (although Ginger rather can, read her post here: purveyorofdreams.blogspot.com), but I'm very ready to be not only back in the United States/Arkansas, but to see everyone I haven't seen in over three months! (Especially--well, you know who you are. ;))

P.S.- I've basically been alternating between Christmas music and Cage the Elephant. That's the sort of weird mood I'm in. :D



*No, Mum, I'm not durnk. Prosime/

the Taylor Institution Library (Taylorian)

The Thanksgiving Post :)

My friend Hannah's facebook status tonight absolutely made my day:


Tell Sarah she can keep writing my paper while I'm gone. Come back to this - night completely made. 
"Next I will talk about the “carpe diem,” which, although similar to “sense-datum,” is much more quotable. For instance, you can change it to say carpe cakem: seize the cake, carpe teaum: “seize the tea,” etc. Although this may not seem directly connected to philosophy but rather connected to dinner, this is simply not the case. Cake and tea are exceedingly important when considering philosophy in general because without these things, we would just be sad, angry little people with no joy. Cake and tea point us to the ultimate truths of God in their deliciousness and simple beauty and as such may be considered the crux of all good philosophy. They allow for the viewpoint of the philosopher to be balanced and healthy, if a little tubby. But a bit of extra tub around the middle never hurt anyone.
Another good tid-bit of philosophy: never count your chickens before they hatch, because one may actually be a chicken."
:)


I love all my friends here at the Vines, and while I can't wait to be home, I will miss them all so very very much!! <3

[requested title not found]

DISCLAIMER: This is very different from what I've previously posted--but don't read me wrong. It's not a comment on how terrible Oxford is, just how strangely the entire experience has been affecting me. I've basically summed up the term's negative emotions and vomited them all up in one place, because I think I needed it. I'm seriously rethinking what I've been doing with my life up until now, and what I'll be doing in the future; this is just mildly eloquent venting of my surprising emotions.

The closer I get to a deadline, the more acutely I feel my utter lack of motivation. I hate the feeling that I've made a mistake because I had to make a decision without knowing all the information--but that's how my primary tutorial feels. Apparently tutorials are supposed to be building on a foundation you've already got, not functioning as the foundation itself--this would have been good to know before I signed up for "Nationalism in Western Europe, 1799-1890." I knew NOTHING coming into this course, and apparently that's not typical. So not only am I just now starting on the "normal" coursework in 5th week, but I still feel woefully unprepared and inadequate. The assigned reading is two leading theorists of nationalism...their main works are obtuse, stuffy, unnecessarily complicated, and bore me absolutely--literally, to tears.

I have plenty of motivation to read for my secondary tutorial (Shakespeare, currently) and to scroll through Facebook, to make oatmeal and to shoo bees out the window, to write an overly-emotional blog post and to create new Spotify playlists. But the motivation to put any more effort into understanding theories of nationalism? Eludes me entirely. I do have barely enough motivation to want to want to work on this essay (it's due tomorrow night, after all), but that cannot--apparently--be translated into the purpose and drive that will turn in a 2,000 word essay at 8pm on Thursday.

Even the motivation to just "get it done" has evaporated, and I'm left feeling empty and purposeless (which is, honestly, ridiculous). Right now, the only thing that even gets me through the knowledge of impending (constant) essays is that I'll be done in a month. And I don't like my only consolation to be "being done" because that's really no consolation at all, a month out, and it makes me feel like I'm not getting anything at all out of studying at Oxford--also ridiculous, because I truly am learning a ton, and rather enjoying myself most days. I just feel no interest in or connection to what I'm learning, which is--of course--making me rethink my entire academic life up to this point, and making me wish fervently that I could just stop turning in essays, tell my tutors to sleep in, and chill in Oxford for the next month.

I'm starting to take issue with the very structure of learning in Oxford--it may have worked for hundreds of years, but it doesn't work for me. I meet with my tutor once a week (or every other week)...to talk about an essay I've already written. I get zero guidance on my next essay, except that it ought to "be a bit longer" or "go into a tad more detail" than my last ones. I am assigned a question to answer, and given a list of books to read. I skim through the 5-10 books, try to understand each one of them and then form a coherent 2,000-word argument based on what I've "understood", and turn that in the night before my meeting. The next day I go in, talk to my tutor about all the things I've misunderstood (and get them nicely explained and feel like I've really grasped what's going on, but with no benefit to my essay or my grade), and then I say "have a good week!" and repeat the process all over again.

This is omitting the inevitable panic attack/crisis/wave of depression/constant homesickness/lack of purpose accompanying each and every book I pick up. And also omitting the facts that I'm writing three 2,000-word essays every two weeks, and expected to be working on a 4,000-word term essay in my "free time" (?), and supposed to be attending four relevant lectures a week (an especially difficult assignment when none of the offered lectures are the least bit relevant to anything I'm studying).

My sleep schedule is the most screwed up it's ever been, and that's saying a lot, if you know me. I stay up late, intermittently actually accomplishing work. I go to bed at (maybe) 5am, and then feel like I've wasted my entire day when I don't wake up until (maybe) 2pm. I love Oxford, but I often can't remember why I'm here, or I honestly feel like I'm wasting my time, or I don't belong. I'm not usually one for broadcasting my emotions, or whatever, but I feel like (while everyone here is great and I love them) there's nobody in this entire city (much less this house) who understands how I'm feeling about this stuff. I'm not as motivated as the other people here, as single-mindedly "academic".  Sure, they procrastinate and don't want to write essays either, but no one else has considered just not doing it. I have. And if I say things like that, everyone looks at me like I'm crazy. I value sleep over research. Again, I'm the crazy one. And honestly, even if I'm not the only one here going through this, it sure feels like I am. When others talk about not having motivation, it's because they're tired, not because they're genuinely bored by their subject material. I've been getting sleep, because it's so much more interesting than nationalism (which, I've learned, is essentially undefinable; this is ridiculously upsetting and hurts its reputation with me).

I'm trying to keep perspective (after all, I've been here for 2 months already and survived, and I am coming home in a month), but sometimes (read: rather too often) I feel like just dropping everything, taking the coach to London, and getting on a plane back to Arkansas. I would love to just forget about essays and tutorials and nerd-drama and the day-to-day irritants of living with people who are so like me and yet so not. I'm not used to being the least academic person in...well, anywhere. But here I very well may be, and it only serves to steal more of my lagging motivation.

Lest any reader of this melancholy post worry that I am depressed, that's genuinely not the case. I really just have been feeling these things for a while, and I'm not traditionally very good at expressing emotions--I don't often see much of a need for it. But tonight I did (that might be 3am talking), and if you actually bore with me, I should buy you chocolate (to share with me, of course).

Reminiscences of the Weekend~

~Clever titles continue to elude me.

Let's begin by coming clean: I should be reading a commentary on Marlowe's Edward II right now. But I'm listening to instrumental Christmas music, having a cup of coffee, and blogging instead. Also, the essay isn't due until a week from tomorrow, so that's wayyyy much time. Also, Vince Guaraldi and coffee don't go well with a stuffy academic essay on Marlowe. They do, however, go great with reflecting on the weekend. :)

Thursday night: finished primary essay an hour late, then stayed up and frantically finished the ridiculously long and detailed proposal for the long essay due at the end of term. Spent pretty much the whole day being really homesick. I'd really rather not talk about it.

Friday: Slept in a bit, made it into town for my tutorial at 2 (in the rain), ran some errands. Spent the later afternoon/early evening preparing for "Half-o-ween", along with the rest of the Vines. That night: we partied. The first half hour was a little awkward because nothing had been quite planned and the food wasn't all ready yet. But it wasn't long before things got going, and we played a succession of games, which got progressively more fun, culminating in a game of Zombie Live Mafia. Imagine the game Mafia (you know, with the cards) being acted out in a three story pitch black house, plus zombies. We had a blast. Then we had a costume contest, a dessert contest (aka eating time), and piled into the living room to watch Psycho. Most people went to bed, but a few of us stuck around and put in School of Rock, then even less of us stayed up talking until around 6am. It was great. :)

Saturday: Guy Fawkes Day (5 November). Ginger and I went into Headington (the suburb that's a bit closer than Oxford to our house) for some foodage/drinkage and groceries, watched some fireworks, made some delicious mom-food (poppyseed chicken), and joined the others in watching V for Vendetta, because that's what Americans do on Bonfire Night (since the bonfire itself cost 6 quid).

Sunday: Ginger and I were going to hit Starbucks for the last day of their two-for-one holiday lattes deal and get some English Renaissance reading done, but we both were a little late getting up. The only negative was that the reading didn't get done...instead we made it to Starbucks an hour before they closed with three other friends, and had a lovely (albeit rather short) time there, before heading back. Ginger, Sarah M, and I then spent our time between Starbucks and church making plans for our trip to *drumroll*....Edinburgh! Sarah S is going to, but she was working on school at the time. We'll still need to book everything, but we're heading up a week from this Friday night for a long weekend in Scotland, and it's all coming together nicely and very exciting. :) We had to put a pin in that, however, around 7, and make our way to church, along with Tara.

Sunday night: Church was splendid, although communion got a little confusing at one point. The message was one I'd apparently been needing to hear, and my mantra for this week (if not much longer) is Mark 9:24- "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" The pastor made the great point that this is more a matter of faith than what we immediately think of as belief--and it was the reason the disciples couldn't cast out the demon. They had stopped relying on God (believing) and begun to rely on their own strength. Never works out, but sometimes I forget that; I think everyone does. It's been a while since a message at church really hit me, another reason I think I didn't realize I needed this. More prayer, less self-reliance.

Later Sunday night: Had a Skype date set up with Karson--that was marvellous, as always. He's so wonderful and encouraging and kind of my favorite person to talk to (no offence to anyone else ;). I love how we can kind of just talk about whatever, and it always makes me that much more impatient to see him in person--in just 37 days! I skyped with Mom and Dad after that, which was also great. Mom thinks she needs to make a list of things to ask me, but I'm happy just chatting a bit. I miss them a ton, too, even if I might not say it as much. :)

Sunday night/Monday morning: Um...may have stayed up until 5 talking with Ginger, Sarah M, Hannah, and Jonathan. I'm not quite sure how we started out, but the talking easily lasted 3+ hours, and we covered everything from the psychology of the self to the Catholic view of feminism, delicacies of race relations to how society has screwed up the way we see gender issues. Best conversation I've had in a long time, and it was totally worth the weird sleep (or lack thereof). I'm so thankful to be living in a house where I can have these genuine, respectful discussions with my friends. <3

So, while I might not have gotten much essay-writing done this weekend, it was time well-spent, and these will be the things I remember years from now when I think back on my time in Oxford, not the effects nationalism had on German unification in 1870. (Although with all the reading I've done, that will likely stick with me a while longer than I'd like. :P)

The homesickness is pretty up-and-down at this point. The depression doesn't really hit unless coupled with a late essay, but the general homesickness is a bit more acute and constant now that I've been here over 2 months. However, Oxford is still lovely (even with the increased rain), the people are still wonderful (even though they keep me up all night), and I'm that much closer to coming back the States (35 days). <3 -Hayley

**A note after seeing this posted....It's not 8:51am. I don't know what timezone this site thinks I'm in, but it's actually 5pm. Whatever. :P